Better for Joy

I screamed.

She was crying, and I screamed.

Makayla had been sick for the past week and had grown very attached to Gabby. It was the first time Makayla had gotten sick, and truthfully it was difficult. She’s usually the easiest baby to care for, and I guess I was spoiled by that.

When your daughter gets sick for the first time, she reverts. She becomes a 3 month old. She needs to be carried for comfort. She is quicker to cry for attention. She needs you. She deserves that too.

But I still slipped. I can make a ton of excuses for it too. Maybe it was the 12 hour shift I just worked. My dad’s recent health issues. The paperwork I had to handle. Knowing I was going to get 3 hours of sleep on that night, as I had to get up early.

But they don’t excuse my action.

One word was screamed.

Gabby couldn’t leave to the bathroom for 5 minutes without me losing my temper, and in turn, I ruined our night. And all I could think about was the result.

Did Makayla stop crying? No.

She was scared, as I’ve never lost my temper around her before. Her eyes went back in fear, the right side of her face where her lips meet and blend into her cheeks quivered. She lost her balance and fell back, crying louder then before. Uncontrollably.

Gabby, who has always put in more time with Mak, who was easily the one dealing with our sick daughter the most, who really just needed some time to herself to shower, was sent rushing back to our daughters rescue. From me.

It was a reminder. I always said I’d be more patient with my kids then most of the men in my life were with theirs. And I’m glad that in my first year of fatherhood, this is the first time I felt I truly did her wrong.

But it was one time too many. It was one time I wish I could take back. It was one time, that I hope to not repeat.